I am always amazed at how I was able to function when Monkey was a baby and I didn’t sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time, and woke up at least twice during the night to feed him. Your body adapts so quickly to whatever is happening. So as soon as he started sleeping longer, it was that much harder to wake up a few extra times on occasion, since my body was quite happy to have readjusted to longer sleep.
However, I have consistently been sleeping poorly lately, and I really really feel it. All it took was one night up with Monkey coughing until about 2am a few weeks ago, and I haven’t felt at 100% since then. The stress of apartment hunting didn’t help, but even with that over (soon to be replaced with the stress of moving!), I am constantly fatigued. My boss even noticed. In a nice, concerned way, not a critical way, but it’s hard to not feel like I can give 100% at something I usually really enjoy.
It seems like even though I go to bed at the same time I usually do, I don’t feel refreshed when I wake up. And some nights I can’t sleep no matter what I do. Or I wake up too early and can’t get back to sleep. And I’m too tired to exercise or make decent food, which I know doesn’t help, so it’s just kind of an ongoing cycle.
This past week Monkey has apparently woken up at night a few times (usually just a fallen pacifier – I really want it gone by the time he’s 3!) and I didn’t hear him. Which is insane, because I usually hear him breathing from two floors below. So it must mean I’m really really exhausted if even his cries didn’t wake me.
My husband usually lets me sleep a bit more on weekend mornings, but since our apartment is open space, I can hear everything so it’s not like I can actually sleep. And it sounds like they’re having so much fun! Talking, eating breakfast, laughing about who knows what. I hate that I’m too tired to participate in weekend rituals.
But then I remind myself that it’s okay if he has things he only does with his dad. And nothing lasts forever, so a year from now, weekend mornings may look very different. Even in a month they’ll look different since we’ll be in a new apartment. With a living room and dining room down the hall from the bedrooms. And no next door neighbor who snores so loud you hear it through the wall. And no commuter trains that pass by just as you’re finally falling asleep.
So even though it’s only 7 on a Saturday evening, I am already curled up in bed with a book, hoping to fall asleep quickly, and dream of next month when I’ll be rested enough to do all the things I keep saying I’ll do.